When I got married, I apparently signed my rights away to privacy. Things like showering, getting dressed, and using the toilet are usually not something you need to demand privacy over. But in my house, it’s not common knowledge.
My kids know to knock before entering and not to come into my bathroom when it’s in use. My husband grants me some privacy, but he also seems to not care at times when he’s in a rush.
We all need our personal private time to not have to talk to someone, do our own things, and be left alone. That doesn’t mean our life never includes our spouse, but it does mean we have the right to personal space and privacy.
Yesterday I wanted to record a YouTube video so the quietest place in my house is my bedroom. I recorded part of it but then midway through, the door flies open scaring the crap out of me. He stares at me, stares at my phone, & looks confused. He heard me talking but no one was in the room but me, so he must’ve thought for a second that I was talking to myself.
Get used to it buddy. That’s the future.
So he asked me what I was doing, looking annoyed. Ummm shouldn’t I be asking that question? I wasn’t the one busting open shut doors like the Kool-Aid man.
But this is my life. It’s important to set boundaries in marriage when you feel like your privacy has been invaded. I guess I have to be more verbal and use sign language for the hard of hearing.
Zero Privacy in Marriage
My husband and I know that our flesh is weak and that we are capable of sinning against one another. We also know that the enemy will do everything in his power to tempt our flesh to sin against one another…..
My husband gives me full access to his accounts, his phone, his computer, his apps, his search history, his email, everything. Likewise, my husband has full access to everything of mine.
Because we desire trust to build the foundation of our relationship and we want to avoid any potential risk of emotionally connecting with anyone or anything other than each other.
I giggled a little too hard at one of her other articles that said “Love always trusts”. Yeah, apparently only if you can “big brother” your spouse. Makes sense to me.
Love Means Putting Your Spouse on a Short Leash?
This reminds me a lot of my black lab, Lily.
Let’s imagine my dog and I wanted to go for a walk. Because I know Lily needs some restraints, I put a choke collar and a leash on her. That will do it, right? She can’t go as far as she’d like to and if she barks, I’ll just yank her collar and choke her out. Sounds like a plan. So we start walking and she starts pulling. I yank her back, but she still wants to run and get things. She knows it will suck, but she does it anyway. She sees a person and despite choking herself, she darts forward and I almost fall on my ass. (I realize my example falls short in cases where dogs listen, but that’s why I’m talking about MY dog. She has a will of her own).
Control Never Works
Why doesn’t this work? Because everyone enjoys their privacy and if you start to overstep the boundaries and not allow your spouse their own privacy, they’ll just find a way around it. Further, I think these rules will actually push an already teetering spouse right over the edge into the land of no return. Whenever I’ve felt under my husband’s thumb, I get angry and look for ways to do the opposite. It’s not an effective way of relating to each other. Look at any teenager. Adults are no different. Invade their space or demand to control them and watch them pull out the three finger salute from the Hunger Games. No one wants to put up with that sh$#.
I don’t understand relationships that treat each other like little children who need to be on a short leash. I don’t even understand how those kinds of marriages last. Marriage doesn’t give the other person the right to control the other. If you have reason to suspect something, then that’s another story, but just jumping on in and assuming the worst seems like a set up for disaster.
Christian Marriages & Privacy Concerns
Privacy is something every person should be given as a free thinking, independent adult. Our parents tried to mold us into adulthood the best they could, so why is that when we marry, we give up our rights to privacy? Why do Christians (especially) tend to treat women as children, encouraging them to lose their sense of self and autonomy? Why do churches and Christian circles push husbands into dictator and controlling roles and women into roles that require them to only support their husband & to toss aside their own passions and label those passions as “selfish”? Meanwhile, men are never seen as selfish because their interests, jobs, and “headship” are seen as most important to the family, while women are seen as merely a “helper” who is simply there to make life easier for “the man”.
Strong marriages survive by trusting each other with mutual respect and care. Giving each other privacy, respecting each other’s boundaries, and thinking the best of each other is the least we can do in a marriage. May the odds be ever in your favor.
The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway